Friday, 30 November 2012

Where is my phone?

Have you ever forgotten your wallet? Don't lie, of course you have. Whenever I misplace, or purposefully leave my wallet or phone at home, I get the lingering feeling I have lost something, even if I know it's exact location. It seems the mere fact my stuff is in my pocket satisfies this feeling. I could have my phone in hand, while listening to music I'll panic, since I will be thinking it has been left somewhere.

I'll call you back, I need to search for my phone.
The complete opposite happens when I am at home. I cannot stand the feeling of stuff in my pockets, no matter how small they may be. I just place them on the most convenient shelf. It makes sense for my phone, which needs it's charging, but why all the other stuff? It's not like there isn't enough room in the pockets, and I would likely stick it back into that pair of pants again for whatever reason.

If this delicate balance of pocket contents is disturbed, it either annoys or worry's me. It is likely due to the fact that these objects stay in my pants all day, until I come home, and I stop needing them. I don't know how it could be a part of human nature, unless our ancient ancestors decided to carry an axe at the hip exactly where we like our pockets. Evolution probably killed those without axes by forcing them to fight gruesome creatures, which could only be destroyed by using such a weapon.
It's not like we evolved to keep our phones with us all the time. 

Monday, 26 November 2012

The Curious Case of the Disappearing Binder

In my home, no matter where you put things, they have the strange ability to teleport to some random place within the household. I am writing about this specifically because of what took place this morning. When I looked for my binder which contained vital school materials and assignments, it was no where to be seen. Like most sane people I panicked. That binder contained very important objects, objects that would make impressions on important people, that could affect my entire life.
The recession is likely the result of losing your binders.
I  furiously searched the house leaving few stones unturned. What had happened to my sacred binder? Had some mysterious force of nature decided to rob me of my important documents? If so, for what reason? My first reasonable theory to this disappearance, was that it had accidently been moved by some member of the household. This seemed impossible, as I hadn't found it anywhere else, and it isn't that hard to spot.
Can you spot the binders? If not, your mental ability is questionable.

Another conclusion I could have drawn was that it was a ghost, but such phenomenon is more logically explained by air currents, which I doubt were responsible either. It is a mystery where the binder has gone. Had it traveled to the United States to get dating advice from Mitt Romney? I hear he has many binders full of women.
The office supplys ultimate wing-man
Will I ever find my binder? I hope so, it is certainly important for my school. Until then, I will drill my family members for information on its whereabouts, and relentlessly complain. 

Saturday, 24 November 2012

I Have Aspergers

This is a thing that has followed me my whole life. I have an official diagnosis I got at an early age. To most people, aspergers syndrome is one of two things:

  1. Just another form of autism
  2. Having hamburgers up you know where
The first is common misconception, while the other is just childish humour  I thought it would be a great idea to go through the symptoms of aspergers, to see what I actually have.
"Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking."
This hardly is a problem for me. I am perfectly able to see someone is angry at me, especially when they are running at me with a knife yelling "Put the milk back in the fridge you dumb bastard!".
"Dislike any changes in routines."
If you are late I'll cut you a slice of this pie since you look hungry after you ran here. Also I'll stab you.
"Appear to lack empathy."
    It was a mercy burning, the house was really old, and was asking for it. 
"Be unable to recognize subtle differences in speech tone, pitch, and accent that alter the meaning of others? speech. So your child may not understand a joke or may take a sarcastic comment literally. And his or her speech may be flat and hard to understand because it lacks tone, pitch, and accent."
 I love sarcasm, and you look lovely.
"Have a formal style of speaking that is advanced for his or her age. For example, the child may use the word "beckon" instead of "call" or the word "return" instead of "come back."
 I find this frivolous claim to be quite derogatory. Just because I haven't the need for a Thesaurus doesn't make me a wondrous encyclopaedia of terminology. Sure people may ask what the hell I'm saying, but I put this down to their personal ineptitude. If you haven't caught on, I utilize sarcasm constantly, which an "aspie" (a term I despise) doesn't usually understand
"Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about. Many children with Asperger's syndrome are overly interested in parts of a whole or in unusual activities, such as designing houses, drawing highly detailed scenes, or studying astronomy. They may show an unusual interest in certain topics such as snakes, names of stars, or dinosaurs."
I like movies, video games, and the internet. That is everything 90% of the planet cares about. I also like bikes, coffee, music, food, my hair (so curly), friends, rock climbing, conversations, photography, chess, filmmaking, boats, hot tubs, Beethoven, Mozart, paintballing, blogging, and tons of other things. But I guess movies are my main focus.

These are very basic aspects of aspergers, which I feel I have dominated. The big one is the social anxiety that many afflicted feel. Many times I do feel nervous in social situations, who doesn't? It is true I have few peers as "friends". I feel this is simply due to the fact that my peers are high school students. If I had my way, I would abandon my local school, to go to a university. The way they openly reject the importance of their work, and their emphasis on incredibly silly things distresses me. 

Oh look, an idiot label

All in all aspergers is a thing that I have, and I don't really suffer many of the negative aspects. I am a human with high intelligence and a bright future, anyone who says otherwise is fired.

Tech Toys

 Like most internet users, I find myself reading countless useless articles. A recurring theme that I have encountered is the "Tech Toy" style of list. If you don't know what I am referring to here is one. For an item to qualify for one of these lists they must have at least one of these qualities:
  1. Have no practical use
  2. Be vastly expensive
  3. Look stupid
  4. A novelty used by no sane person
$20 can snag you a piece of cardboard that cost about $0.15 to produce. What a deal. 
I find that these "geeky products" are little more than stupid marketing scams devised by swindlers because capitalism is fun. There is a joy in selling something you created over the weekend to some poor woman who just needs to get their stupid kid to shut up. The geniuses behind these products spend their whole lives making up the silliest products imaginable, and actually making decent profit.

For example, on This is Why im Broke I can buy a wall socket that has usb for $30. What a relief! I thought I was going to use the charger that was bundled with my phone for free. Even in a world deprived of regular cell phone chargers it isn't like there is a major deprivation in usb ports, even if your computer is out of ports you can get an expansion card for way less at staples or something.

Thank god, the eight usb ports on my computer were all occupied by electric sentry turrets

I also noticed that these things mostly come around Christmas. It makes sense for stupid knick knacks to appear at such a time, since the holiday tradition is to go in debt by purchasing useless junk for your friends and family.

Whatever the season, stupid items follow It is everyone's duty to complain, so that our world can be a more annoyingly loud place. What bothers me the most is the shrewd fact that these are considered "geeky". Since when was it geeky to purchase useless novelties? I would consider it geeky to spend that much on computer components to assemble into a roaring beast of screaming virginity.

Do you think this is a mother fucking game?